The Attack of The 300-Page Wine Menu

By Leticia Borges.

You just got promoted. To celebrate, you book a reservation at a nice restaurant and invite your better half. This night is just for the two of you. No kids. No curfew. No worries.
You’re led to your table and the hostess drops a 300-page wine menu in front of you. Three minutes later the Sommelier asks if you have made a selection. You give the wine guy a puzzled look: “well, we like wine but we’re not experts. Can you recommend something?” As soon as the words left your mouth, you knew you had made a big mistake.

The Sommelier starts rambling about wine regions, varietals and terroir. You come in and out of consciousness and you aren’t sure if he’s asking questions or teaching a lesson. Either way, your head hurts. Who cares if the wine came from a Chateau deep in Bordeaux or from a backyard somewhere in Kickapoo, Kansas? You just want the torture to end.
You listen for what seems to be an eternity and, for every French word the guy throws around, you wish you could throw back a shot of tequila. Why is this so complicated? You just want a nice bottle of wine to celebrate your new job. Why do you feel left out of the cool kids table just because you don’t understand the lingo?

Taking the easy way out

You ask the server for a minute to look at the list. You skim over pages and pages of names and years. The entire process has made you uncomfortable. As you continue turning pages, it becomes clear that you will spend a stupid amount of money on this bottle because you don’t want to be judged. You can feel the sweat rolling down your forehead.

Then you see it! Redmon. A Cabernet Sauvignon from Napa that you had at a dinner event a few years ago. You remember liking the wine, the price is reasonable and if it was good enough for a client event, it sure as hell is good enough to celebrate a new job, right?

The wine guy returns. This time you have a relaxed smile on your face. “A bottle of the Redmon Estate 2012, please” you say with confidence. He praises your selection and goes away to fetch the bottle. Your wife is totally impressed. She didn’t know you had it in you. You tell her you remember the wine because Redmon was the name of your imaginary friend when you were six. You both laugh. Crisis averted.

Why is this so hard?

You feel inadequate for no good reason so you go for a safe choice. Don’t get me wrong. Going back to a safe wine isn’t a bad thing if it’s done on purpose. So if your goal is just to enjoy that same wine all over again then, by all means, give it a swirl, sniff, sip and hangover away! However, if you made that choice under pressure, here are a few tips to defend yourself from the attack of the 300-page wine menu.

Figure out what you like

Allow me to share a quick story about my mom’s lasagna. My mother made the best lasagna on earth. She spent the entire afternoon making sure the meat sauce was perfect. She would carefully stack the ingredients doubling the sauce on each layer and would end every layer with a handful of freshly chopped oregano “brujo” from our backyard. When it came out of the oven, it was piping hot and gooey. Because of that, I know I prefer gooey lasagna with a strong taste of oregano.
Wine can be very similar. If you already know of a red wine that you like, try to figure out exactly what you like about it. Does it taste like ripe fruit or is it more on the tart side? Does it remind you of the smell that licorice left in your hands when you were a kid or does it make you think of a freshly picked strawberry? The next time you have a glass of that wine you like, think of what you smell and taste. Don’t worry about what the tasting notes or the label says it’s supposed to smell or taste like. Just sip it and try to figure out if it reminds you of something you’ve smelled or tasted before. When your Sommelier asks “have you made a selection?” you’ll be ready to say I like wines that taste like strawberries or peaches. Mention a couple of the wines that you like and explain the flavors that you like, or dislike, in those wines.

Have a price point in mind

You are the only person that needs to be impressed by the wine you buy. You are also the only person who knows what you can afford. Stick to your budget and don’t feel the pressure to upgrade if you don’t feel like doing so. The wine should not be the reason why you go to a restaurant. The driving forces should be the food, the occasion or enjoying time with the people you love. Buying a more or less expensive bottle of wine won’t change any of the reasons why you’re there.

Do some research

Most restaurants post their full wine menu, including prices, on their website. Instead of wasting time paging through the wine list, pre-select a few options from their list and ask the Sommelier about them. They’ll love you for it.

Trust the Sommelier

If you’re sick you go to a doctor for help, right? Well, if you don’t know enough about wine you ask the Sommelier for help. They are the experts, not only in their field, but they also know the wines they’re selling. There’s no need to impress them. You’ll most likely never see each other again. Trust that their job is to help you navigate the wine list and pinpoint a wine that you might like within your price point.
There’s no need for you to suffer through torture when choosing wine at a restaurant. You don’t have to be a wine snob or have a fancy French title after your name either. The selection process can be much simpler if you take some time to think about what you like and you allow the Sommelier to guide you through the process.

Still not comfortable?

Find out if the restaurant has a corkage fee and bring your own bottle. This way you control the entire experience; you’ll like the wine, you know the price and you’ll feel part of the cool kids table from the moment you walk into the restaurant carrying your bottle with confidence.
If all else fails, stay home and bake lasagna. Pair it with a wine from Southern Italy. Try adding fresh oregano. It will rock your world.